how does one throw his whole life away? is it complete resignation from one's tasks and duties? or is it certain irresolution of one's fate?

when one asks, "What drives you?", can you easily answer truthfully? or are you so lost in your existence that all you can answer is... "I don't know."

there are many things to live for, to dream of, to work for. what if you have become so disillusioned that everything becomes nonsensical and confusing?

is there even a possibility that things will go back to normal?

Woke up this morning, I was staring at the ceiling cracks
And roadmaps and landscapes and highways
I have seen, I have been to places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in your strangeness

Of moving shadows when I call the wind by name
Rushing fire, water in the dark of a cloud
I have seen, I have been to places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in your strangeness

We are slaves to the crimes we commit
In fits of passion, we shame
We are nothing, we are nothing
We are nothing, we are nothing but...

The dust on your feet, dying to be born again
Singing ether, water, fire
Singing earth, singing air
I have seen, I have been to places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in your strangeness

I have seen, I have been to places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in your strangeness


-cynthia alexander, comfort in your strangeness

i dreamt today. 7 years of dreamless sleep yielded a night of dreams, half of which i could not even remember... but one.



it was like meeting with a ghost, only in the hallways of some obscure building. the only thing i could say when i saw her was, "hello."

she stood there, looking at me as if i was the apparition that came out from nowhere. "i have to be somewhere." she immediately resumed her walk to the opposite direction, only to be caught by my arm, blocking her way.

"where to? i can come with you if you want." with that i looked into her eyes, hoping to find the happiness i was expecting. there was none.

"you don't have to. i just have to go now." sensing a slight uneasiness, i took my hand out of the way and let her through. it was a moment before she started walking again, as i slowly let my eyes wander down to the floor.

turning around, "aren't you afraid of being alone, to where you're going?" i cautiously asked, the tears almost brimming in my eyes. although she didn't want me along, i yearned to stay with her, to wherever she wanted to go.

she stopped in her tracks, a few feet away from me. she slowly looked straight into my sorrowful eyes and said... "i will never be alone." and with a smile, she turned and walked away from me.

she was gone.

i was left standing in the middle of an empty corridor, in an empty world, filled with sorrow and fear, in a place that was not my own. and it was then, within the sterility of the white walls of the corridor, that i woke up.



conflicted as i was, i could not deny the truths that i learned from that dream. the girl so vividly portrayed in my dream was an important part of my past, a past that i thought i had already stored in my "done, over" part of my head. the fact that she's engaged, to be married soon, only strengthens the efficacy of the dream.

"i will never be alone."

it was a two-pronged fork stuck into my throat. the most obvious was her soon to be husband was a very good man, and will probably take care of her the rest of her life. i met with him when they came back from the US, and i believe he will do an outstanding job as a husband.

of course, i cannot help but feel bad about this. after all, i truly loved her.

but what struck me the most was how she put it. "i will never be alone." impossible, i might say. but knowing how god-fearing she was, i somehow know what she means.

as much as i'd want to believe her...



i still feel so very much alone.

it's been a while.

things have changed, i have started moving forward. trying to embrace creative freedom is actually scary, there are too many things we can do nowadays, too many things that we can reflect on, but it's not really a bad thing. it has come to a point in my life that i have to stop limiting myself.

i need to grow, and that's what i'm going to do.

life's actually exciting when you think of the things you can do. right now i'm finding inspiration to work on myself, to look forward and create. i've been stagnating, stopping myself from further growth the past few years. it's probably because i've stopped believing in myself when i lost things, dreams, people.

no more.

i just wanna live. i wanna live and do something. the past mattered too much for me that i put aside my future.

yeah yeah, it does sound cheesy, but that's exactly how i feel. i just can't be left behind ;)

i've started apprenticeship with good people helping me out, i've found new inspiration in my life... it's time to start building something new from here on forward.

i probably won't be writing here as much, but i hope this will serve as a good memory. there's just too much to do, so much room to grow.

living is actually fun when you ponder upon it. exciting, scary, and fun.

i can't believe it took me this long to realize this.

it's already april.



people came in my house and told me that today's the date of the shoot. i was thinking, "WHAT SHOOT?!". as much as i wanted to believe that it was thursday, it did feel like friday.

empty, silent, desolate.

and as i wiped my crusted eyes open, i suddenly realized. it's no joke even though it's april 1, april fools.



at 11am, a fool forever stuck in place felt tricked. it's the same story everyday.

dammit. i'm screwed twice over... my motherboard's fried. i'm using lil' spiffy right now (P2-400 with 256MB PC100 RAM! muahahaha). bigbro (AXP3200+ with 1GB Dual DDR400) is out of commission until monday, just when the deadlines for some very very very important projects were set.

i'm totally screwed.

i've transplanted a few stuff to make this rig workable, but for the moment it'll do. as long as the 5.1 is hooked up, i'll be happy. it's the first time i've seen 4 hard disks working on a P2-400, with 3 on RAID. hah.

obviously i'm bored, the internet is my only escape. no games, no edits, no fancy stuff that won't work with windows 2000.

so much for editing.

everything's starting to cool down, but i'm still tired with the work that i had to do. finally finished The Late Isabel's new music video, My Favorite Things based on the Rodgers and Hammerstein original "The Sound of Music". only this is a gothic nightmare version of the original. although it's really dark and hi-con, it fits the band's image perfectly.

i'm ecstatic. people have reacted favorably to our work (TLI-MFT music vid), and as Director Sid Maderazo put it: "Wicked." how's that for favorable response? heh.

a lot of things have happened, and i'm still unsure if i should impart it with the few who actually read my entries as i consider this blog more of a "personal release column". time will tell if i finally have the guts to share it.

at last, i have some "pro" cinematography work under my belt (even if it's just a thesis), but it's nothing compared to my colleagues. things look a little rough, but it all worked out. i dunno if i should do it again, maybe i should get more experience.

here's a screen shot of TLI's MFT music vid. Directed by Genghis Jimenez, DoP is Ike Avellana, CGI by Nep Luna. Post-production and color grading by yours truly.

You burst into my room without even knocking. I was naked, you were fully clothed. You stood there by the doorway looking at me, but no words came forth. Even before you came I already knew. You didn't have to say a word, but then you did.

"I'm leaving," you said without remorse. I squinted at you with my half-shut eyes and replied, "Why?"

"For no apparent reason." We stared at each other blankly. There was nothing I could do but sit up and ask, "Why now?"

"You will never understand," you told me dryly. But I felt your words sink deep. Still, you stood there, your silhouette against the door frame, the bright walls of the hallway accentuating your unmoving, unfazed self.

"Sit down for a while," I told you, without even motioning where. I knew you would sit, and your closeness made things simpler. You sat down where you usually do, at the edge of my bed, with your side to me. The same place where you sit down to look at me when I sleep. I knew.

"Who is it?" I asked. For a moment I almost felt that you would tell me, but then you turned away from me. You looked down to the floor as if the answer was there. There was nothing left for me to do but move closer, and hold you. It felt good, as it always was. But I knew you couldn't stay, and I couldn't hold you within my arms any longer.

"So this is..."

I had to stop. Tears were welling in your eyes, but it was different. Different from the tears I saw when we felt so happy, when everything was so right.

You wiped you tears with your hand. And I buried my face in your hair. I didn't want you to see I was sad. I didn't want you to remember me this way. I didn't want you to see that the same tears that inched down your cheek were now mine. I didn't want you to feel that this was...

"Goodbye." You turned back to me, and held my hand. I kissed yours as it was on mine. I knew I couldn't hold this hand any longer. I knew so much that I didn't want to know any longer. I knew right from the very start.

You walked away. I fell back on my bed.

That night I fell asleep wishing I'd never wake up again.


But the next morning I did.




092604 2:20am

to do:
1. check if car needs additional repairs.
2. clean room before new year.
3. sell video cam. soon.
4. finish unfinished personal works.
5. check immigration status.
6. check cash reserves.
7. get a haircut.
8. get a massage.
9. purchase 4-in-3 device module.
10. reroute rear speakers wiring.
11. label all burned DVDs.
12. install exhaust fan.
13. sell old electronics.
14. watch ebolusyon's new 11-hour cut.
15. look for funding for trip to the rotterdam and berlin film festivals.
16. start cinemalaya color-grading job.
17. replace 2 old failing 80GB drives with 300GB drives.
18. clean and polish watch.
19. master mum's 2-piano concerto onto DVD.
20. withdraw and pay joax 3.5k for the shock mounts.
21. file all big purchase receipts.
22. sell turkish angora cats.
23. snailmail resume to hollywood.
24. email mum's resume to canada.
25. fix temperamental laptop.
26. pre-prod with ackey.
27. get the other monitor.
28. find and return all tools to the toolbox.
29. remove all unnecessary stuff from car.
30. trim facial hair.
31. cut down smoking.
32. set aside money for boracay.
33. set aside money for palawan.
34. set aside money for bohol.
35. set aside money for cebu.
36. get the vcr fixed.
37. sell other phone.
38. replace nylon guitar strings.
39. replace steel guitar strings.
40. repair humbucker pickups on old jaguar.
41. inquire about the '69 mustang.
42. design new work table.
43. finish blueprints for new house.
44. finish sound design for F113/131.
45. replace eyeglasses.
46. clean aircon filter.
47. replace computer chair.
48. complete old subjects before they lapse.
49. paint optical drives.
50. edit hawaiian tropics video.
51. pre-prod with kathy.
52. find and file old classcards.
53. replace all clock batteries.
54. find a way to make beanbag fit in room.
55. clean window screens.
56. call plumber for loose sink joint.
57. store paintings.
58. get new clothes.
59. medicate hyper-acidity.
60. sleep.

...to be continued.