good morning world!

anyway, i almost forgot that i had this blog to take care of.

oh well.

bye, have a shoot and i'm already kinda late.

at last, something new.

just got a call from a cinematographer/friend about a new music video. it's been quite a while since i've made a music video, i thought the world of mtv wasn't for me coz it was quite a while (january i think) since we made the Doll's Head video of the band The Late Isabel.

ooh yeah, it won in the MTV Pilipinas 2004 as the Best Independent Video. but that was months ago.

ooh i also forgot we also made Ashley's video. but that one's a bit... iffy... for me.

well, at least i have something to do for the next few weeks. i miss doing pro stuff. maybe it's because i haven't graduated yet?

yeah, maybe that's it. damn, i should get my diploma soon. school's overtaxing my system. not to mention all the conflicts with productions... aaagh.

ooh yeah, i also have a new tech show coming in october... sheesh i gotta check my schedules. gotta find my palm... it's gathering dust around here somewhere...



man oh man oh man. what the hell am i complaining about being bored... i've got a bunch of projects i gotta take care of. i need to make love to my NLE and effects app, i gotta show some blingbling in this new video.



so much for the easy life.

somehow it feels so refreshing to cry.

letting go of your pent up emotions, of your angst, your sadness... all of your emotions. gone. released. expelled from your system.

it's as if every tears carries the burden that you've hidden for so long.


tomorrow i'll wake up and know that everything will go back to normal. soon i'll be full to the brim again. there's nothing i can do about it.

but for one night i knew. i knew and i will forever keep on knowing.




and i'm afraid that i'll forget that i know.

i'm starting to feel normal.

i don't want to be normal. i just want to be back to my old f*cked up ways.

yeah yeah, i hate being my f*cked up self and i don't like being normal. so what should i be?

estranged? haha right.

maybe i should just quit thinking about myself and do something else.

yeah right, like i've been doing so much already that i can't even stop to think about things.

i love contradicting myself. some may think that i'm sarcastic but i'm really not.

i'm just confused. hahaha. the truth will entrap you!


so much for ranting.

i should be happy that i'm done with my work as a grader on the project. but instead, i am just my normal self. ho-hum. what should i do now?

i'm actually really, really, really burnt out. i should be doing a storyboard of my experimental film, as well as my director's statement and the concept paper, but i'm just here tripping with my newly tweaked THX system. i'll never go back to anything lesser than this.

but my neck aches (yes it's because of my bloated head), and i think i need to sleep soon, my body's dictating everything i do as of the moment.

the monumental was accomplished.


onto bigger things.




and sleep.

this might be my last entry... i'm working myself to death tonight until tomorrow evening for lav's 10-hour film Ebolusyon ng Isang Pamilyang Pilipino. there's no escaping this one, Toronto Film Fest is less than 2 weeks away...

and to think that we should all get this rendered and transferred to betaSP and all that before the 15th... *sigh*

i might wear my index finger down. grading a 10-hour film is... monumental.

anyway, for people who do read this (haha suckersÜ) i'm a film/video editor. even though i really don't want to do this for the rest of my life, this is what i'm good at and known for. it's a curse, believe me. it's also a thankless job.

but, that's the way things are. i'm just a technical adviser and color grader on this project though. and i just wanted to say goodbye just in case i get sucked in the processor's fan and get shredded all over the motherboard.

gruesome.

i am triumphant. i have finally finished this day. ms client is gone, i am now left to myself and to my infinite sadness.

by the way, an old friend just popped up on friendster. it was surprising and refreshing at the same time to hear from an old friend.

when it rains, it pours. but here, now, everything is just torrential.

anyway, back to the old friend. it's interesting now that i look back that this old friend is someone who i've never met personally, but shared a lot with. back in the good old days of irc, everyone could put up their own facades and tell their own stories without anyone ever knowing about it. sometimes i did just that... tell my tale the way i wanted it to be even though things were actually different.

but with her, i poured everything out. and it helped. just an ear to help me clear my thoughts.

sometimes the best friends are those that don't give the best advice. most of the time, they are the ones who listen the best. and they also know when to speak up and what to say.


god, i'm getting old.

hah. finally.

daylight is here.


time for me to hibernate. i have roughly an hour to do so... i'm starting to savor the moment.

he called me up on my landline. waking up everyone in the house.

what the hell have i gotten myself into? supernatural beings are playing with this project! nothing ever gets completed without tons of problems! i'm hella sure of that. and who do they run to in times of need? me, the sucker.

i'm so tired of the pro-bono life. it's not because i'm fed up with people, but because of all the pain and suffering i go through, and without any definite compensation. hell, i wanna go to the berlin film fest, but even that's not a 100% sure.

reminds me of relationships. nothing's for sure, any desire for compensation deems you selfish, and of course, no pain no gain.

*sigh*

i'll just think of this as my future relationships' practice session. maybe then my intensive training will help me keep it together.

so far so good.


hah. who am i kidding?!

direk is calling me on my mobile(s) again.

at 5:11am. doesn't he know i'm trying to become a normal human being? that i'm trying my best to fit in and at the same time stand out?

what?!

sometimes i just love contradicting myself. it just shows how stupid i am.

and knowing how stupid you are means winning half the battle.



what?

5am.

there's so many things running through my mind that i just cannot lay down and sleep.

is the sky blue? - no, it's really puce.
why does silence seem so deafening? - you're just deaf.
why does my right eye see things with a yellow tinge? - you've been punished for peeking too much.
why do i always answer all my own questions? - it's because you're an idiot.
really? - now that i think about it, you're insane.
if you know all the answers, then what the hell should i be doing? -


...

maybe i should just go to sleep. having broadband and a blog isn't such a good combination. add that i'm an insomniac...

i'll never live normally again.



if only sleep would beckon earlier.

3:52am.

nothing's ever finished, my life's one big incomplete mess.

i can't even remember all the commitments i've even made for the past few months. everyone's screwed me over... twice.

maybe it's just time for me to accept tha fact that there will never be any answer to everything, just a big question hanging over me just like all the demons that try to get inside my head.

maybe that's it.


so here we are tonight, you and me together
the storm outside, this fire's bright
oh and in your eyes, i see what on my mind
you've got me wild, turn around inside
oh and this desire, see, is creeping up heavy
inside me, i know you feel
the same way as i do now
let's make this an evening
we'll share some wine, baby we'll get high

stay here, please
oh with me tonight, we'll be at ease and
and tomorrow it's back your man
i'm back to my world and we're back to being friends
oh we'll run away, by and by it's good still
oh let's strip down, and trip out at this
one evening's love starts with a kiss
run away

and tomorrow we're back to being friends
but tonight, we're lovers
morning, tomorrow, say goodbye

--dmb, say goodbye


what i'd do just to get some peace... and happiness.




how far should i go?

agh. it's so hard to find things when you reinstall your os. the repair option didn't work out quite as well as i expected it to be, so everything's just one big mess... same as my life.

sometimes life just works as well as windows xp's repair option. just when you have the courage to try and fix things, things don't turn out quite well as you expect it to be.

so you just sit in your corner, ponder about things, and realize that you've been such an idiot. you should have never gotten in that deep.


then it crashes.


everything becomes quiet. and lonely.

yes why?

i don't know why, nor how.

depravity? maybe.

it's just a typical situation where everything turns out just because.

why because?

it's just so.