it's been a totally weird week for me. i've done nothing productive. i've been a sloth, a vampire, and a pig all in one big package.
but i'd have to admit it, i liked it. for a moment.
then i got depressed.
i got depressed because of all the wrong things i've done, af all the bad things i still keep doing, and because i couldn't be more when people knew and believed that i could be something else.
i knew i had failed, and the worse thing about it is that i wasn't doing anything about it. i was just letting my life slip by, draining, down an unplugged hole. all i'd tell myself that i had tomorrow to change.
heh. yeah, tomorrow. what a great excuse to get by everything. it worked everytime. it got me out of all the troughs i've gotten myself into. it was like i had an infinite supply of tomorrows.
but there's never gonna be enough tomorrows. i'll run out soon enough of tomorrows, then what will i do then?
then i'd just say that there's still tomorrow, probably even until i know for sure that it's the end of the road.
what a wretched life.
then came my grades. hell, that was a great big boost for me. i couldn't believe that i did so great on my majors, but did so poorly in my GEs. i could've been awarded a college scholar award, but because of my bad GE grade, i fell short.
it's been happening for the longest time. i could have gotten any award i wanted, but was that what i wanted?
hell no. i could've gotten it easily if i wanted it that bad.
and so i keep asking myself, what do i want? and i always keep telling myself, someday you'll be a great man who will make an impact in the film industry and leave a legacy, a person who will be an icon, a man looked up to by others.
but that's what i think i want. it's not really what i feel i want. honestly, i don't know if what i want is what i really want. i'm partly sure that's not what i feel i want.
then i ask myself again, what do i feel should i want? and if i think about it hard enough, what comes up is...
nothing.
even though there's some unseen force (God, is that you?) guiding me through my life, never letting me fall too hard to not be able to get back up, i still want to know where my life is going to. everything's just uncertain, everything's too trivial to even try to explain and understand. and i always answer my own questions and still do the same stupid mistakes even though i know i shouldn't be falling for the same things twice, thrice, or for too many times. and i know what i'll tell myself when i think about having certainty with my life...
certainty is boring. and i'm stuck with my own paradoxical self.
and this song has been repeating and repeating in my head, in my playlist, and in my life. it's just perfect.
i still recall the taste of your tears
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
scraping through my head, i don't want to sleep anymore
you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself
you'll make this all go away
you'll make it all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have
you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now
this thing is slowly taking me apart
grey would be the color, if i had a heart
c'mon tell me
you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself
you'll make this all go away
you'll make it all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have
in this place it seems like such a same
though it all looks different now, i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be
c'mon tell me
you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself
you'll make this all go away
you'll make it all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have
i just want something i can never have
i can never...
-- nin, sicnh
