You burst into my room without even knocking. I was naked, you were fully clothed. You stood there by the doorway looking at me, but no words came forth. Even before you came I already knew. You didn't have to say a word, but then you did.

"I'm leaving," you said without remorse. I squinted at you with my half-shut eyes and replied, "Why?"

"For no apparent reason." We stared at each other blankly. There was nothing I could do but sit up and ask, "Why now?"

"You will never understand," you told me dryly. But I felt your words sink deep. Still, you stood there, your silhouette against the door frame, the bright walls of the hallway accentuating your unmoving, unfazed self.

"Sit down for a while," I told you, without even motioning where. I knew you would sit, and your closeness made things simpler. You sat down where you usually do, at the edge of my bed, with your side to me. The same place where you sit down to look at me when I sleep. I knew.

"Who is it?" I asked. For a moment I almost felt that you would tell me, but then you turned away from me. You looked down to the floor as if the answer was there. There was nothing left for me to do but move closer, and hold you. It felt good, as it always was. But I knew you couldn't stay, and I couldn't hold you within my arms any longer.

"So this is..."

I had to stop. Tears were welling in your eyes, but it was different. Different from the tears I saw when we felt so happy, when everything was so right.

You wiped you tears with your hand. And I buried my face in your hair. I didn't want you to see I was sad. I didn't want you to remember me this way. I didn't want you to see that the same tears that inched down your cheek were now mine. I didn't want you to feel that this was...

"Goodbye." You turned back to me, and held my hand. I kissed yours as it was on mine. I knew I couldn't hold this hand any longer. I knew so much that I didn't want to know any longer. I knew right from the very start.

You walked away. I fell back on my bed.

That night I fell asleep wishing I'd never wake up again.


But the next morning I did.




092604 2:20am

to do:
1. check if car needs additional repairs.
2. clean room before new year.
3. sell video cam. soon.
4. finish unfinished personal works.
5. check immigration status.
6. check cash reserves.
7. get a haircut.
8. get a massage.
9. purchase 4-in-3 device module.
10. reroute rear speakers wiring.
11. label all burned DVDs.
12. install exhaust fan.
13. sell old electronics.
14. watch ebolusyon's new 11-hour cut.
15. look for funding for trip to the rotterdam and berlin film festivals.
16. start cinemalaya color-grading job.
17. replace 2 old failing 80GB drives with 300GB drives.
18. clean and polish watch.
19. master mum's 2-piano concerto onto DVD.
20. withdraw and pay joax 3.5k for the shock mounts.
21. file all big purchase receipts.
22. sell turkish angora cats.
23. snailmail resume to hollywood.
24. email mum's resume to canada.
25. fix temperamental laptop.
26. pre-prod with ackey.
27. get the other monitor.
28. find and return all tools to the toolbox.
29. remove all unnecessary stuff from car.
30. trim facial hair.
31. cut down smoking.
32. set aside money for boracay.
33. set aside money for palawan.
34. set aside money for bohol.
35. set aside money for cebu.
36. get the vcr fixed.
37. sell other phone.
38. replace nylon guitar strings.
39. replace steel guitar strings.
40. repair humbucker pickups on old jaguar.
41. inquire about the '69 mustang.
42. design new work table.
43. finish blueprints for new house.
44. finish sound design for F113/131.
45. replace eyeglasses.
46. clean aircon filter.
47. replace computer chair.
48. complete old subjects before they lapse.
49. paint optical drives.
50. edit hawaiian tropics video.
51. pre-prod with kathy.
52. find and file old classcards.
53. replace all clock batteries.
54. find a way to make beanbag fit in room.
55. clean window screens.
56. call plumber for loose sink joint.
57. store paintings.
58. get new clothes.
59. medicate hyper-acidity.
60. sleep.

...to be continued.

i just wanna feel _________...














just WHAT do i wanna feel?

i wish i wasn't degrading into a worthless piece of shit. the older i get, the worse i become.


...shouldn't it be the other way round?


oh how i wish life breathed through my words.


yeah, i wish.

plastic (plas·tic)
Pronunciation: 'plas-tik
Etymology: Latin plasticus of molding, from Greek plastikos, from plassein to mold, form
1 : FORMATIVE, CREATIVE
2 a : capable of being molded or modeled b : capable of adapting to varying conditions : PLIABLE
3 : SCULPTURAL
4 : made or consisting of a plastic
5 : capable of being deformed continuously and permanently in any direction without rupture
6 : of, relating to, or involving plastic surgery
7 : having a quality suggestive of mass-produced plastic goods; especially : ARTIFICIAL


plastic plastic plastic. everything's made from plastic. computers, pens, cameras, discs, cars, toilet seats, people. everything can be made and molded to whatever people want it to be. not surprisingly, people also make it to the list. there's no doubt that we, the most intelligent of all living creatures here on earth, are also plastic. we can be --
1 : CREATIVE
2 : capable of adapting to various conditions
5 : capable of being deformed
6 : involved in plastic surgery
7 : mass-produced and artificial

unfortunately, we all know that even the best of plastics can be destroyed by different means, be it extreme temperature or intense pressure.


...hell, i lost my line of thought even before i got to the middle of my point.


all i know for sure is that i'm not happy. not happy = depression. yes, it's the season to be merry, etc etc etc. but i can't help it, if i could only choose i'd choose to be happy. happy and ignorant. that's the way i'd like to be, completely different from what i am now. not unhappy and erudite.

i feel as if the heaviest of burdens have been put upon me. there are so many reasons why, and nothing to make me think differently. if running away from problems was the same as the physical act of running, i'd be buffed and swift with 0% fat. i'd be pure muscle from being so good at running away from things. but there's always something, or someone, faster. i think i've reached my peak, and can't run any further. hence, my source of unhappiness.

all the shit i've kept hidden is coming back at me. no more happy-go-lucky shell. no more pseudo-down-to-earth performing. i'm back to who i really am.

a poor little sad boy.

toys. almost all toys are plastic. when i was 12 i got one of my best toys ever, a Nintendo GameBoy. ohboy, that was the bomb. all plastic toys that are "technically advanced" need juice. in the case of the gameboy, you needed batteries to make it run, and a game cartridge to actually do something with it.

right now i feel like i'm 12 without any batteries or cartridges for my gameboy.

if i was a baby, i'd be squealing for my bottle o' milk. it'll prolly be spoiled.

if i was a girl, i'd be exhausted from running around. looking for a pad.

if i was an addict, i'd be suffering. from withdrawal.

if i was a nympho, i'd consider dendrophilia. it's not hard to find a good tree.

if i was simply myself, i'd string myself up. and screw it up.

it's a good thing i'm not myself. it's a good thing i don't know myself or else i'd be dead. lucky me.


sometimes i'd like to think about things. useless things. it keeps me preoccupied, and makes all other things seem unimportant. and soon i forget all the important things. then i become happy because i don't have to think about important things.

god i think up the most twisted things.

i actually have a million and one things to do. but most of the time, i just do one thing, leaving me with a million things left to do. then i do my usual routine and forget.

for the past 7 years i haven't had any dreams. it's probably because they're bad dreams and my head automatically forgets. i don't know anymore if that's good or bad. probably it's a good thing.

someday i'd like to be content. content with all that i am and with all that i have. content and accepting. yeah, that sounds nice. it'll probably feel nice too. i hope i'll be molded that way.

but until then, i'll still be living like who i am now. all i need are my batteries and game cartridges to fill up this empty plastic shell. it's not fun having your buttons pushed without any power.

but i'd rather have life even though my buttons are being pushed.


all i ever wanted for christmas was...

hah i can't believe it. i'm certainly pushing through tomorrow to shoot hot bods for the 2005 Ms. Hawaiian Tropics International competition! EEEYAAAHOOO!!! i can't contain my happinessÜ

it certainly is a surprise that when i'm not looking for work or projects, they come looking for me. what a perfect setup for my boring laid-back lifeÜ

surprisingly, a friend called about another film that they want me to color grade. at least i'll be able to do something while earning some money for the christmas season. it's the season to be merry, the season where people try to figure out where their money went but can't. hehe.

then there's the japanese concept for another music video... man i can't wait for the shoot date to come, i can't wait!

and i've been hooked on something new, i can't tell what it isÜ i'll just leave it to inquiring minds to think what it is, but i'm very happy that i've found something that makes me happy. happy and confident hahaÜ and i'm happy how it completely turned my life around. i don't worry a lot about things anymoreÜ

looks like someone is really looking out for me...Ü thanks for the helpÜ



as Louie Armstrong said...



I see trees of green, red roses too
I see ’em bloom, for me and for you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue, clouds of white
Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces, of people going by
I see friends shaking hands, sayin’ how do you do
They’re really sayin’, i love you.

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more, than I’ll never know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

The colors of a rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are there on the faces, of people going by
I see friends shaking hands, sayin’ how do you do
They’re really sayin’, ...I ....love....you...

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
You know they're gonna learn a whole lot more than I’ll never know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

-- what a wonderful world