silent tempest

2006-02-07T14:09:00.000+08:00

how does one throw his whole life away? is it complete resignation from one's tasks and duties? or is it certain irresolution of one's fate?

when one asks, "What drives you?", can you easily answer truthfully? or are you so lost in your existence that all you can answer is... "I don't know."

there are many things to live for, to dream of, to work for. what if you have become so disillusioned that everything becomes nonsensical and confusing?

is there even a possibility that things will go back to normal?

2006-01-11T14:07:00.000+08:00

Woke up this morning, I was staring at the ceiling cracks
And roadmaps and landscapes and highways
I have seen, I have been to places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in your strangeness

Of moving shadows when I call the wind by name
Rushing fire, water in the dark of a cloud
I have seen, I have been to places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in your strangeness

We are slaves to the crimes we commit
In fits of passion, we shame
We are nothing, we are nothing
We are nothing, we are nothing but...

The dust on your feet, dying to be born again
Singing ether, water, fire
Singing earth, singing air
I have seen, I have been to places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in your strangeness

I have seen, I have been to places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in your strangeness

-cynthia alexander, comfort in your strangeness

2006-01-11T12:40:00.000+08:00

i dreamt today. 7 years of dreamless sleep yielded a night of dreams, half of which i could not even remember... but one.

it was like meeting with a ghost, only in the hallways of some obscure building. the only thing i could say when i saw her was, "hello."

she stood there, looking at me as if i was the apparition that came out from nowhere. "i have to be somewhere." she immediately resumed her walk to the opposite direction, only to be caught by my arm, blocking her way.

"where to? i can come with you if you want." with that i looked into her eyes, hoping to find the happiness i was expecting. there was none.

"you don't have to. i just have to go now." sensing a slight uneasiness, i took my hand out of the way and let her through. it was a moment before she started walking again, as i slowly let my eyes wander down to the floor.

turning around, "aren't you afraid of being alone, to where you're going?" i cautiously asked, the tears almost brimming in my eyes. although she didn't want me along, i yearned to stay with her, to wherever she wanted to go.

she stopped in her tracks, a few feet away from me. she slowly looked straight into my sorrowful eyes and said... "i will never be alone." and with a smile, she turned and walked away from me.

she was gone.

i was left standing in the middle of an empty corridor, in an empty world, filled with sorrow and fear, in a place that was not my own. and it was then, within the sterility of the white walls of the corridor, that i woke up.

conflicted as i was, i could not deny the truths that i learned from that dream. the girl so vividly portrayed in my dream was an important part of my past, a past that i thought i had already stored in my "done, over" part of my head. the fact that she's engaged, to be married soon, only strengthens the efficacy of the dream.

"i will never be alone."

it was a two-pronged fork stuck into my throat. the most obvious was her soon to be husband was a very good man, and will probably take care of her the rest of her life. i met with him when they came back from the US, and i believe he will do an outstanding job as a husband.

of course, i cannot help but feel bad about this. after all, i truly loved her.

but what struck me the most was how she put it. "i will never be alone." impossible, i might say. but knowing how god-fearing she was, i somehow know what she means.

as much as i'd want to believe her...

i still feel so very much alone.

2005-05-21T01:14:00.000+08:00

it's been a while.

things have changed, i have started moving forward. trying to embrace creative freedom is actually scary, there are too many things we can do nowadays, too many things that we can reflect on, but it's not really a bad thing. it has come to a point in my life that i have to stop limiting myself.

i need to grow, and that's what i'm going to do.

life's actually exciting when you think of the things you can do. right now i'm finding inspiration to work on myself, to look forward and create. i've been stagnating, stopping myself from further growth the past few years. it's probably because i've stopped believing in myself when i lost things, dreams, people.

no more.

i just wanna live. i wanna live and do something. the past mattered too much for me that i put aside my future.

yeah yeah, it does sound cheesy, but that's exactly how i feel. i just can't be left behind ;)

i've started apprenticeship with good people helping me out, i've found new inspiration in my life... it's time to start building something new from here on forward.

i probably won't be writing here as much, but i hope this will serve as a good memory. there's just too much to do, so much room to grow.

living is actually fun when you ponder upon it. exciting, scary, and fun.

i can't believe it took me this long to realize this.

2005-04-01T15:43:00.000+08:00

it's already april.

people came in my house and told me that today's the date of the shoot. i was thinking, "WHAT SHOOT?!". as much as i wanted to believe that it was thursday, it did feel like friday.

empty, silent, desolate.

and as i wiped my crusted eyes open, i suddenly realized. it's no joke even though it's april 1, april fools.

at 11am, a fool forever stuck in place felt tricked. it's the same story everyday.

2005-03-11T21:58:00.000+08:00

dammit. i'm screwed twice over... my motherboard's fried. i'm using lil' spiffy right now (P2-400 with 256MB PC100 RAM! muahahaha). bigbro (AXP3200+ with 1GB Dual DDR400) is out of commission until monday, just when the deadlines for some very very very important projects were set.

i'm totally screwed.

i've transplanted a few stuff to make this rig workable, but for the moment it'll do. as long as the 5.1 is hooked up, i'll be happy. it's the first time i've seen 4 hard disks working on a P2-400, with 3 on RAID. hah.

obviously i'm bored, the internet is my only escape. no games, no edits, no fancy stuff that won't work with windows 2000.

so much for editing.

2005-02-27T15:01:00.000+08:00

everything's starting to cool down, but i'm still tired with the work that i had to do. finally finished The Late Isabel's new music video, My Favorite Things based on the Rodgers and Hammerstein original "The Sound of Music". only this is a gothic nightmare version of the original. although it's really dark and hi-con, it fits the band's image perfectly.

i'm ecstatic. people have reacted favorably to our work (TLI-MFT music vid), and as Director Sid Maderazo put it: "Wicked." how's that for favorable response? heh.

a lot of things have happened, and i'm still unsure if i should impart it with the few who actually read my entries as i consider this blog more of a "personal release column". time will tell if i finally have the guts to share it.

at last, i have some "pro" cinematography work under my belt (even if it's just a thesis), but it's nothing compared to my colleagues. things look a little rough, but it all worked out. i dunno if i should do it again, maybe i should get more experience.

here's a screen shot of TLI's MFT music vid. Directed by Genghis Jimenez, DoP is Ike Avellana, CGI by Nep Luna. Post-production and color grading by yours truly.

2004-12-30T17:30:00.000+08:00

You burst into my room without even knocking. I was naked, you were fully clothed. You stood there by the doorway looking at me, but no words came forth. Even before you came I already knew. You didn't have to say a word, but then you did.

"I'm leaving," you said without remorse. I squinted at you with my half-shut eyes and replied, "Why?"

"For no apparent reason." We stared at each other blankly. There was nothing I could do but sit up and ask, "Why now?"

"You will never understand," you told me dryly. But I felt your words sink deep. Still, you stood there, your silhouette against the door frame, the bright walls of the hallway accentuating your unmoving, unfazed self.

"Sit down for a while," I told you, without even motioning where. I knew you would sit, and your closeness made things simpler. You sat down where you usually do, at the edge of my bed, with your side to me. The same place where you sit down to look at me when I sleep. I knew.

"Who is it?" I asked. For a moment I almost felt that you would tell me, but then you turned away from me. You looked down to the floor as if the answer was there. There was nothing left for me to do but move closer, and hold you. It felt good, as it always was. But I knew you couldn't stay, and I couldn't hold you within my arms any longer.

"So this is..."

I had to stop. Tears were welling in your eyes, but it was different. Different from the tears I saw when we felt so happy, when everything was so right.

You wiped you tears with your hand. And I buried my face in your hair. I didn't want you to see I was sad. I didn't want you to remember me this way. I didn't want you to see that the same tears that inched down your cheek were now mine. I didn't want you to feel that this was...

"Goodbye." You turned back to me, and held my hand. I kissed yours as it was on mine. I knew I couldn't hold this hand any longer. I knew so much that I didn't want to know any longer. I knew right from the very start.

You walked away. I fell back on my bed.

That night I fell asleep wishing I'd never wake up again.

But the next morning I did.

092604 2:20am

2004-12-30T05:08:00.000+08:00

to do:
1. check if car needs additional repairs.
2. clean room before new year.
3. sell video cam. soon.
4. finish unfinished personal works.
5. check immigration status.
6. check cash reserves.
7. get a haircut.
8. get a massage.
9. purchase 4-in-3 device module.
10. reroute rear speakers wiring.
11. label all burned DVDs.
12. install exhaust fan.
13. sell old electronics.
14. watch ebolusyon's new 11-hour cut.
15. look for funding for trip to the rotterdam and berlin film festivals.
16. start cinemalaya color-grading job.
17. replace 2 old failing 80GB drives with 300GB drives.
18. clean and polish watch.
19. master mum's 2-piano concerto onto DVD.
20. withdraw and pay joax 3.5k for the shock mounts.
21. file all big purchase receipts.
22. sell turkish angora cats.
23. snailmail resume to hollywood.
24. email mum's resume to canada.
25. fix temperamental laptop.
26. pre-prod with ackey.
27. get the other monitor.
28. find and return all tools to the toolbox.
29. remove all unnecessary stuff from car.
30. trim facial hair.
31. cut down smoking.
32. set aside money for boracay.
33. set aside money for palawan.
34. set aside money for bohol.
35. set aside money for cebu.
36. get the vcr fixed.
37. sell other phone.
38. replace nylon guitar strings.
39. replace steel guitar strings.
40. repair humbucker pickups on old jaguar.
41. inquire about the '69 mustang.
42. design new work table.
43. finish blueprints for new house.
44. finish sound design for F113/131.
45. replace eyeglasses.
46. clean aircon filter.
47. replace computer chair.
48. complete old subjects before they lapse.
49. paint optical drives.
50. edit hawaiian tropics video.
51. pre-prod with kathy.
52. find and file old classcards.
53. replace all clock batteries.
54. find a way to make beanbag fit in room.
55. clean window screens.
56. call plumber for loose sink joint.
57. store paintings.
58. get new clothes.
59. medicate hyper-acidity.
60. sleep.

...to be continued.

2004-12-28T23:44:00.000+08:00

i just wanna feel _________...

just WHAT do i wanna feel?

2004-12-28T23:39:00.000+08:00

i wish i wasn't degrading into a worthless piece of shit. the older i get, the worse i become.

...shouldn't it be the other way round?

oh how i wish life breathed through my words.

yeah, i wish.

2004-12-28T23:37:00.000+08:00

plastic (plas·tic)
Pronunciation: 'plas-tik
Etymology: Latin plasticus of molding, from Greek plastikos, from plassein to mold, form
1 : FORMATIVE, CREATIVE
2 a : capable of being molded or modeled b : capable of adapting to varying conditions : PLIABLE
3 : SCULPTURAL
4 : made or consisting of a plastic
5 : capable of being deformed continuously and permanently in any direction without rupture
6 : of, relating to, or involving plastic surgery
7 : having a quality suggestive of mass-produced plastic goods; especially : ARTIFICIAL

plastic plastic plastic. everything's made from plastic. computers, pens, cameras, discs, cars, toilet seats, people. everything can be made and molded to whatever people want it to be. not surprisingly, people also make it to the list. there's no doubt that we, the most intelligent of all living creatures here on earth, are also plastic. we can be --
1 : CREATIVE
2 : capable of adapting to various conditions
5 : capable of being deformed
6 : involved in plastic surgery
7 : mass-produced and artificial

unfortunately, we all know that even the best of plastics can be destroyed by different means, be it extreme temperature or intense pressure.

...hell, i lost my line of thought even before i got to the middle of my point.

all i know for sure is that i'm not happy. not happy = depression. yes, it's the season to be merry, etc etc etc. but i can't help it, if i could only choose i'd choose to be happy. happy and ignorant. that's the way i'd like to be, completely different from what i am now. not unhappy and erudite.

i feel as if the heaviest of burdens have been put upon me. there are so many reasons why, and nothing to make me think differently. if running away from problems was the same as the physical act of running, i'd be buffed and swift with 0% fat. i'd be pure muscle from being so good at running away from things. but there's always something, or someone, faster. i think i've reached my peak, and can't run any further. hence, my source of unhappiness.

all the shit i've kept hidden is coming back at me. no more happy-go-lucky shell. no more pseudo-down-to-earth performing. i'm back to who i really am.

a poor little sad boy.

toys. almost all toys are plastic. when i was 12 i got one of my best toys ever, a Nintendo GameBoy. ohboy, that was the bomb. all plastic toys that are "technically advanced" need juice. in the case of the gameboy, you needed batteries to make it run, and a game cartridge to actually do something with it.

right now i feel like i'm 12 without any batteries or cartridges for my gameboy.

if i was a baby, i'd be squealing for my bottle o' milk. it'll prolly be spoiled.

if i was a girl, i'd be exhausted from running around. looking for a pad.

if i was an addict, i'd be suffering. from withdrawal.

if i was a nympho, i'd consider dendrophilia. it's not hard to find a good tree.

if i was simply myself, i'd string myself up. and screw it up.

it's a good thing i'm not myself. it's a good thing i don't know myself or else i'd be dead. lucky me.

sometimes i'd like to think about things. useless things. it keeps me preoccupied, and makes all other things seem unimportant. and soon i forget all the important things. then i become happy because i don't have to think about important things.

god i think up the most twisted things.

i actually have a million and one things to do. but most of the time, i just do one thing, leaving me with a million things left to do. then i do my usual routine and forget.

for the past 7 years i haven't had any dreams. it's probably because they're bad dreams and my head automatically forgets. i don't know anymore if that's good or bad. probably it's a good thing.

someday i'd like to be content. content with all that i am and with all that i have. content and accepting. yeah, that sounds nice. it'll probably feel nice too. i hope i'll be molded that way.

but until then, i'll still be living like who i am now. all i need are my batteries and game cartridges to fill up this empty plastic shell. it's not fun having your buttons pushed without any power.

but i'd rather have life even though my buttons are being pushed.

all i ever wanted for christmas was...

2004-12-12T14:52:00.000+08:00

hah i can't believe it. i'm certainly pushing through tomorrow to shoot hot bods for the 2005 Ms. Hawaiian Tropics International competition! EEEYAAAHOOO!!! i can't contain my happinessÜ

it certainly is a surprise that when i'm not looking for work or projects, they come looking for me. what a perfect setup for my boring laid-back lifeÜ

surprisingly, a friend called about another film that they want me to color grade. at least i'll be able to do something while earning some money for the christmas season. it's the season to be merry, the season where people try to figure out where their money went but can't. hehe.

then there's the japanese concept for another music video... man i can't wait for the shoot date to come, i can't wait!

and i've been hooked on something new, i can't tell what it isÜ i'll just leave it to inquiring minds to think what it is, but i'm very happy that i've found something that makes me happy. happy and confident hahaÜ and i'm happy how it completely turned my life around. i don't worry a lot about things anymoreÜ

looks like someone is really looking out for me...Ü thanks for the helpÜ

as Louie Armstrong said...

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see ’em bloom, for me and for you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue, clouds of white
Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces, of people going by
I see friends shaking hands, sayin’ how do you do
They’re really sayin’, i love you.

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more, than I’ll never know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

The colors of a rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are there on the faces, of people going by
I see friends shaking hands, sayin’ how do you do
They’re really sayin’, ...I ....love....you...

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
You know they're gonna learn a whole lot more than I’ll never know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

-- what a wonderful world

2004-11-25T20:02:00.000+08:00

i missed half of the day. actually, i missed a lot today. i missed my class, i missed getting my camera fixed, and i missed a paper.

i woke up at 5pm. i checked my phone and thought that it was set at the wrong time coz it looked like it was only 7am. then it hit me.

my cousin entered my room and said classes were suspended. i asked him when and he told me in the afternoon. my class was from 8:30-11:30.

damn.

before it would've been just okay. but today was different. even though i don't usually react like this, i felt worthless. this day was worthless. and imma be in deep sh*t when i go to my class next week. jeeez.

oh well. life goes on.

2004-11-07T20:52:00.000+08:00

it's been a totally weird week for me. i've done nothing productive. i've been a sloth, a vampire, and a pig all in one big package.

but i'd have to admit it, i liked it. for a moment.

then i got depressed.

i got depressed because of all the wrong things i've done, af all the bad things i still keep doing, and because i couldn't be more when people knew and believed that i could be something else.

i knew i had failed, and the worse thing about it is that i wasn't doing anything about it. i was just letting my life slip by, draining, down an unplugged hole. all i'd tell myself that i had tomorrow to change.

heh. yeah, tomorrow. what a great excuse to get by everything. it worked everytime. it got me out of all the troughs i've gotten myself into. it was like i had an infinite supply of tomorrows.

but there's never gonna be enough tomorrows. i'll run out soon enough of tomorrows, then what will i do then?

then i'd just say that there's still tomorrow, probably even until i know for sure that it's the end of the road.

what a wretched life.

then came my grades. hell, that was a great big boost for me. i couldn't believe that i did so great on my majors, but did so poorly in my GEs. i could've been awarded a college scholar award, but because of my bad GE grade, i fell short.

it's been happening for the longest time. i could have gotten any award i wanted, but was that what i wanted?

hell no. i could've gotten it easily if i wanted it that bad.

and so i keep asking myself, what do i want? and i always keep telling myself, someday you'll be a great man who will make an impact in the film industry and leave a legacy, a person who will be an icon, a man looked up to by others.

but that's what i think i want. it's not really what i feel i want. honestly, i don't know if what i want is what i really want. i'm partly sure that's not what i feel i want.

then i ask myself again, what do i feel should i want? and if i think about it hard enough, what comes up is...

nothing.

even though there's some unseen force (God, is that you?) guiding me through my life, never letting me fall too hard to not be able to get back up, i still want to know where my life is going to. everything's just uncertain, everything's too trivial to even try to explain and understand. and i always answer my own questions and still do the same stupid mistakes even though i know i shouldn't be falling for the same things twice, thrice, or for too many times. and i know what i'll tell myself when i think about having certainty with my life...

certainty is boring. and i'm stuck with my own paradoxical self.

and this song has been repeating and repeating in my head, in my playlist, and in my life. it's just perfect.

i still recall the taste of your tears
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
scraping through my head, i don't want to sleep anymore

you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself
you'll make this all go away
you'll make it all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have

you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now
this thing is slowly taking me apart
grey would be the color, if i had a heart
c'mon tell me

you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself
you'll make this all go away
you'll make it all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have

in this place it seems like such a same
though it all looks different now, i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be
c'mon tell me

you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself
you'll make this all go away
you'll make it all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have

i just want something i can never have
i can never...

-- nin, sicnh

2004-10-16T02:57:00.000+08:00

i've been listening to south border's songs for more than 2 hours now, and i feel...

sentimental.

i can't believe that 5 years ago i was singing these songs and wooing people. man, those were the days. but i also cannot remember more sad moments than what happened in those years. heartbreaks, lonely times, and lots of loved ones leaving this place.

man, those were the days. hah.

"yesterday doesn't matter... tomorrow i just might be gone...so listen to me now... as i try to say... that all i want is you today." - south border, all i want is you today

i can still remember our badly prepared mini-concerts for our friends. those were the times. it's just like cramming for an exam or for a paper, we usually met up with each other at the venue a couple of hours before the "thing" to test stuff AND rehearse. mannn. the good thing was that we already knew what we were gonna do coz we sang the same songs almost everyday. brian my good man, you suck dude, but when you deftly handle the keys of the piano i consider you a genius. i hope you're not reading this you idiot.

of course, how can i forget our senti/opm "hataks" miklos da drumboy, zig da bassist, and pao the eternal "booer". really, those were the days. after we practiced our worst and loudest sets and finally settled in for some of the generic songs that we all knew (aka the dave-mayer set) -- hmmm, it only occured to me now that those were almost always girl-oriented... hmmm... -- brian would start suggesting some songs that we were all forced to play.

of course, pao would just lay his axe down and do something else, like, booing.

i, on the other hand, would also lay down my axe coz i didn't know what to play with those songs. so i sang. and man, those were the days. i could still remember those high notes that i used to hit with my extremely-girly-uncircumcised-falsetto (but i was already, ummm... you know... at that time), and the imaginary crowd of 2000 screaming their heads off preaching beautiful praises of my lovely singing voice.

i hit kahit kailan's high notes just a while ago, but i couldn't do it again. damn smokes have totally f*'d up my voice. oh well.

those were the good old days. and the lonely and sad days too. it seems as if you can only truly appreciate good times when you've gone through the worst things in life. 'til then, everything seems bland. and at least strife brought out the artist in me. i consider myself less of an artist now than then. being naive was such a good excuse for things, but now...

i'm all grown up. *sigh*

i miss people. i miss my old self. i miss a lot of things that i know i'll never be able to get back, and i know it's so foolish, but...

i miss her. i know it's passe, but she made me want to be good, even if only for her.

*sigh*

it's fun to be foolish when you really don't know sh*t. but now that i'm older i think too rationally and too practical for my own good.

i feel so sad and elated at the moment. i'm really screwed. still i'm glad i found those old songs. maybe it will make me more emotional, i've lost half of myself when everyone went away. really, no kidding. i haven't been romantically involved for the past 2 years.

romantically, that is.

oh well, i'll just post some more thoughts later, i still have 2 more hours before i leave for another shoot. it's only 2:50 am, call time's at 6. i can't be late coz they're using my cam for the shoot, and knowing that i won't be able to wake up (i'm the epitomy of the idea "sleeping like a rock") i'm staying up 'til then.

oh well. i think it's a good time to feel sad, if to feel anything at all. i've always been my most creative at these times. maybe i'll put that to good use.

back to my loneliness.

2004-10-06T03:57:00.000+08:00

just watched memento, even after watching it again there's just some things that do make you say "damn i didn't see that one before". that's one crazy flick, but i gotta admit that i liked it. made me think, and it still makes me think after watching it all over again.

gonna research on new-memory brain inhibitors if there's ever such a thing. i'm kinda afflicted with it. or was that goldfish memory?

hah. i suck :)

i gotta cut down on smoking. before it was alcohol, now smokes. i'm gonna die real early at this pace. should i take a breather next sem? maybe it would do me some good.

there's some things in life that i just can't understand. now where the hell did that come from? see, i can't even understand myself.

or maybe all i need is sleep.

i need another drink.

2004-10-03T18:56:00.000+08:00

this has to be the worst month of my life. everything's coming to an end. hopefully, i'll be able to finish everything by then.

music videos abound! 3 in the pipes, one's due on the 18th. how the hell am i gonna take care of all my work?!

maybe i should just resign from the show i've been working on. i feel like an amateur. i'm always lost when i start editing for that thing. wah. i'm not just cut out for broadcast work. i hate myself.

now how the hell am i going to finish everything?

feign death, perhaps?

2004-09-18T03:46:00.000+08:00

good morning world!

anyway, i almost forgot that i had this blog to take care of.

oh well.

bye, have a shoot and i'm already kinda late.

2004-09-11T18:48:00.000+08:00

at last, something new.

just got a call from a cinematographer/friend about a new music video. it's been quite a while since i've made a music video, i thought the world of mtv wasn't for me coz it was quite a while (january i think) since we made the Doll's Head video of the band The Late Isabel.

ooh yeah, it won in the MTV Pilipinas 2004 as the Best Independent Video. but that was months ago.

ooh i also forgot we also made Ashley's video. but that one's a bit... iffy... for me.

well, at least i have something to do for the next few weeks. i miss doing pro stuff. maybe it's because i haven't graduated yet?

yeah, maybe that's it. damn, i should get my diploma soon. school's overtaxing my system. not to mention all the conflicts with productions... aaagh.

ooh yeah, i also have a new tech show coming in october... sheesh i gotta check my schedules. gotta find my palm... it's gathering dust around here somewhere...

man oh man oh man. what the hell am i complaining about being bored... i've got a bunch of projects i gotta take care of. i need to make love to my NLE and effects app, i gotta show some blingbling in this new video.

so much for the easy life.

2004-09-10T03:17:00.000+08:00

somehow it feels so refreshing to cry.

letting go of your pent up emotions, of your angst, your sadness... all of your emotions. gone. released. expelled from your system.

it's as if every tears carries the burden that you've hidden for so long.

tomorrow i'll wake up and know that everything will go back to normal. soon i'll be full to the brim again. there's nothing i can do about it.

but for one night i knew. i knew and i will forever keep on knowing.

and i'm afraid that i'll forget that i know.

2004-09-09T15:59:00.000+08:00

i'm starting to feel normal.

i don't want to be normal. i just want to be back to my old f*cked up ways.

yeah yeah, i hate being my f*cked up self and i don't like being normal. so what should i be?

estranged? haha right.

maybe i should just quit thinking about myself and do something else.

yeah right, like i've been doing so much already that i can't even stop to think about things.

i love contradicting myself. some may think that i'm sarcastic but i'm really not.

i'm just confused. hahaha. the truth will entrap you!

so much for ranting.

2004-09-09T01:27:00.000+08:00

i should be happy that i'm done with my work as a grader on the project. but instead, i am just my normal self. ho-hum. what should i do now?

i'm actually really, really, really burnt out. i should be doing a storyboard of my experimental film, as well as my director's statement and the concept paper, but i'm just here tripping with my newly tweaked THX system. i'll never go back to anything lesser than this.

but my neck aches (yes it's because of my bloated head), and i think i need to sleep soon, my body's dictating everything i do as of the moment.

the monumental was accomplished.

onto bigger things.

and sleep.

2004-09-07T16:35:00.000+08:00

this might be my last entry... i'm working myself to death tonight until tomorrow evening for lav's 10-hour film Ebolusyon ng Isang Pamilyang Pilipino. there's no escaping this one, Toronto Film Fest is less than 2 weeks away...

and to think that we should all get this rendered and transferred to betaSP and all that before the 15th... *sigh*

i might wear my index finger down. grading a 10-hour film is... monumental.

anyway, for people who do read this (haha suckersÜ) i'm a film/video editor. even though i really don't want to do this for the rest of my life, this is what i'm good at and known for. it's a curse, believe me. it's also a thankless job.

but, that's the way things are. i'm just a technical adviser and color grader on this project though. and i just wanted to say goodbye just in case i get sucked in the processor's fan and get shredded all over the motherboard.

gruesome.

2004-09-07T01:55:00.000+08:00

i am triumphant. i have finally finished this day. ms client is gone, i am now left to myself and to my infinite sadness.

by the way, an old friend just popped up on friendster. it was surprising and refreshing at the same time to hear from an old friend.

when it rains, it pours. but here, now, everything is just torrential.

anyway, back to the old friend. it's interesting now that i look back that this old friend is someone who i've never met personally, but shared a lot with. back in the good old days of irc, everyone could put up their own facades and tell their own stories without anyone ever knowing about it. sometimes i did just that... tell my tale the way i wanted it to be even though things were actually different.

but with her, i poured everything out. and it helped. just an ear to help me clear my thoughts.

sometimes the best friends are those that don't give the best advice. most of the time, they are the ones who listen the best. and they also know when to speak up and what to say.

god, i'm getting old.